Of Diets, Night Lights, and Packing Peanuts
by Shangri-La
Summary: Knives decides Legato is gonna gain weight sooner or later so he puts him on a diet. No sweets, no hot dogs, no nothing. Will he go crazy? Or just die of embarrassment…
1. Wanted: One hungry man

Disclaimer: Don't own Trigun and most likely never will....  
  
Summary: Knives decides Legato is gonna gain wait sooner or later so he puts him on a diet. No sweets, no hot dogs, no nothing. Will he go crazy? Or just die of embarrassment.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"No."  
  
"Do it."  
  
"Mastah...."  
  
Knives ignored Legato's imploring gaze and pointed firmly to the bathroom scale, a stern look on his face. "You cannot tell me it is possible for a human like you to eat and eat like that and not gain any weight at all. Just get up there. And give me your coat."  
  
Resignedly, Legato succumbed to his fate and shed his coat, reluctantly handing it to the waiting, if not irate, plant. It took a few moments to prepare himself, but after going through the motions of a few jumping jacks, three push-ups, and drawing in four deep breaths, he sucked in his gut and stepped up to weigh himself.  
  
Knives jerked forward and studied the number before him.  
  
"Take off three pounds for my clothes," Legato reminded him anxiously.  
  
Knives nodded, straightening to look condescendingly at Legato. "Even with that deduction, you have gained three pounds."  
  
Legato stumbled back in absolute horror, his back hitting the wall as he gasped. "No!" he cried, absolutely aghast. "My freakish metabolism is gone! All GONE!" And he fell to the floor, weeping into his hands.  
  
"No need to panic. We'll just put you on a diet."  
  
"A DIET?!"  
  
"Yes, a diet." Knives waved a hand flippantly. "You need to keep in shape, Legato. It'll be only temporary, as well. No sweets, no hot dogs, and no, I repeat, NO more Styrofoam packing peanuts!"  
  
"But Mastah." whined Legato, latching onto Knives' legs and weeping all over his boots. "They taste so good!"  
  
"They're just empty calories." Knives shook him off and began to exit the room, calling over his shoulder, "After you get rid of the extra weight, you can go back to your old, gluttonous habits."  
  
Legato remained where he sat, sobbing into his hands about the injustice of the world.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Later that day, Legato decided just cheating a little on his diet wouldn't hurt and sauntered on down to the restaurant where all the gun-ho guns hung out that time of day. Meekly, he stepped up to the counter and whispered, "Get me six hot dogs and a chocolate fudge Sunday, quick!"  
  
But as the waiter was turning to complete the order, Midvalley, who just so happened to be sitting at the bar, leaned over and tapped the man on the shoulder, pointing to a poster on the wall. The server nodded his understanding and turned back to Legato. "Sorry. I can't give you anything."  
  
"But I NEED this!" Legato exclaimed hysterically, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and shaking him hysterically, tears running down his cheeks. "WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! OH CRUEL WORLD OF PAIN AND MISERY AND HUNGRINESS WHY?!?!?!"  
  
The man pointed to the poster across the room.  
  
Legato hopped off his stool and ran over to inspect the piece of paper, finding to his absolute horror that it resembled a wanted poster - and his picture was on it. But it wasn't a wanted poster, it was far worse. Legato's eyes skimmed it over hopelessly.  
  
Waiters and Waitresses: I, Millions Knives, future destroyer of the human race, hereby declare that one, Legato Bluesummers, is not to be fed under any circumstances. For he is on a diet. Which he would not be on if he had not pigged out and gained three pounds. If anyone is to feed this hungry man, they shall suffer eternal pain and suffering at my hands. That and I shall turn you into a cat and give you to an old lady.  
  
Sincerely, Millions Knives P.S. DIE HUMAN SCUM! DIE! I SHALL SMITE YOU! SMITE YOU!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Legato gawked at his picture next to the wording, seeing that SOMEONE had SOMEHOW caught him in his sleep, dressed in those horrid pink pajamas his mother had given him for his birthday some years ago and snuggled close with the blue teddy bear he affectionately referred to as 'Mr. Peppers'. That SOMEONE was going to die. Unless it was Knives.  
  
To make matters worse, Wolfwood chose that moment to amble over and read the poster, though Legato went to great lengths to stop him, including putting him in a headlock.  
  
Once done, Wolfwood gasped, and although his throat was currently being crushed by Legato's arm and was in danger of caving in, he rolled his eyes up towards the blue-haired man's face and wheezed, "You gained three whole pounds?! If I ever lost my girlish figure I'd just die!"  
  
"You're gonna die now!" Legato growled, but Midvalley was there to aid the unfortunate priest and Legato, suddenly realizing just how many people were staring, turned a brilliant shade of red and fled from the restaurant.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Knives remembered sending away for a new, hot pink night light to ward off the terrible darkness at evening's appearance and keep away those monsters he often heard talking under his bed. He also remembered hiding it in the closet where no one would find it. It was pink after all.  
  
Now, it was night, and he needed that light to keep him from getting scared, so the blonde, blue-eyed man hurriedly walked down the deserted hallway and to the hiding spot, making sure no one was watching before swinging open the door. The sight that greeted him was horrific. "Legato! How could you?!  
  
Legato looked up from the shipping box, packing peanuts filling and dangling from his mouth. Terrified at being caught, he stared wide-eyed at Knives.  
  
Instead of reacting with anger, his master only snatched the pink night light from his hand, muttered a hasty, "This never happened - and you're off the diet!" and disappeared quicker than Legato thought possible.  
  
HE WAS OFF THE DIET!!!!  
  
Legato could've cried for joy, since it HAD been a whole seven hours since he had had a hot dog, and the packing peanuts tasted better than ever. Happily, he continued to munch on his snack in peace.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Review please!! I'm dying to know if you liked it.... 


	2. Unwanted: One drunk Legato

Review!  
  
~~~~~~  
  
"Stop.just stop.STOP!!!"  
  
Midvalley groggily opened the door to Legato's room to find his so-called leader huddled beneath his blankets in a pathetic, shivering bundle on the bed, fearful golden eyes peering out into the distance. Instantly, when light flooded in, they locked on the silhouette of the man standing there, breath rushing from his throat in a gasp.  
  
"Midvalley!" he exclaimed, rolling off the bed and crawling towards the musicians feet, still buried beneath a mass of covers. "Help me! You gotta make it stop! You gotta MAKE THE DIET STOP!"  
  
Midvalley squinted at him sleepily. "Stay right here." And then he disappeared, leaving the whimpering man on the floor, speaking soothingly to his rumbling stomach.  
  
"Shh...shh.... It's gonna be ok... I've always provided for you before, right? I'm gonna come through this time... Don't be scared..."  
  
Returning to that disturbing scene, Midvalley coaxed his leader back into bed and calmed him enough to speak to him. "Now, Legato, I'm going to give you what my mom gave me when I was a kid and couldn't sleep." He handed him a glass of an unidentifiable liquid. "It's, uh..." He snickered. "Colored sugar water. It should put you right out."  
  
Legato gulped down the drink, just thankful for something with taste again. A somewhat familiar taste. "It is good," he amended, voice somewhat slurred. "Say, can I have some more?"  
  
Midvalley obliged, pouring the refill from a suspicious bottle he drew from his coat. "You know, Legato, if you don't feel like going to bed, the gun-ho guns are hanging out in the restaurant. You can join us."  
  
Legato smiled. He suddenly felt very warm and fuzzy inside. "That'd be niiiiiiiice," he chuckled giddily, slinging an arm around Midvalley's neck. "Let's go! Woo hoo! It's dark in here..." He collapsed in fits of laughter at the doorway. "Do...do...you know what I did tonight?"  
  
"No tellin'."  
  
"I ate PACKING PEANUTS! HAHAHA!!!" He slapped Midvalley on the back. "Ain't that funny?! And you'll never guess what I saw Knives with..."  
  
Midvalley perked up with a smooth grin. These were the advantages of getting Legato drunk. "What did you see Knives with?"  
  
"I'll tell ya' at the paaaaaaaar-tay! I'll tell ever-ry-body!"  
  
This was gonna be hysterical.  
  
~~~~~  
  
The next morning, Knives noticed that everyone was acting peculiar around him. He was also vaguely troubled by the way Midvalley kept giving him these looks, these looks that seemed to say, "Hey, I like you a lot better than I liked you last night!"  
  
He shuddered. Scary!  
  
Deciding to shrug it off until at least after breakfast, he headed down the hall towards the restaurant, anticipating the food that should already be prepared. Instead he found the place in shambles, trash and broken glass littered everywhere, and in the center of it all, cradled in between two pieces of a broken table, was Legato Bluesummers, head thrown back, mouth gaping, and moans issuing forth.  
  
"Legato!" barked Knives, fury smoldering in his ice blue eyes. "What happened here?!"  
  
"Ugh...huh? What?" Legato lifted his head and looked in a disoriented manner at his master. Jumping to his feet at the sight of the mess, he gasped, clutched at his head, and fell back over. "Oh...my head...!"  
  
"What did you do last night?!" screamed Knives, stalking about the room and stomping on all the trash.  
  
Flitting back to him came a distant memory of being surrounded by the other gun-ho guns, of dancing with Dominique on the now broken table, of blabbing to everyone about the pink night-light...  
  
"NOOOOOO!" screamed Legato, and then his eyes rolled back and closed in a dead faint.  
  
Midvalley sauntered in then and nimbly hopped over the fallen body, moving behind the bar to fix himself his own breakfast. And then he gave a dumbfounded Knives THAT look. "I didn't know you liked pink..." he smirked.  
  
"What?" squeaked Knives. "I....I....who told you that? It's a lie! A lie, I tell you!"  
  
"Legato said that last night, when he was in the closet, you came in and got this pink night-light and...wow, I'm just glad I'm not alone. You don't play the sax do ya? I could teach you...."  
  
Knives shook his head rapidly. At that moment, it was a definite option to slaughter the gun-ho guns to keep him from suffering the ultimate humiliation, but it didn't seem worth it to just go looking for new henchmen all over again. It would be easier just to punish one and make a point of what happened when you messed with the boss. "Just tell me what else happened last night." Midvalley proceeded to tell and he listened intently all the while, pondering over what torture may befall Legato when he awoke.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"I am....alive," breathed Legato in fascination when he awoke, having fully expected to be killed by Knives when his master heard from someone what had taken place before. But now, he was in a room, not his room, but a strange room, which he had never seen before. It was small and had a large mirror that spanned three-fourths of one wall, while the other walls had...hot dog wall paper?  
  
No...anything but that!  
  
Instantly, his hungry stomach took over, and though his mind battled for control, he soon succumbed to his weakness and let himself go. The juicy hot dogs on the wall began to spin and twirl. They grew arms and legs and they had hats and they....they started dancing with packing peanuts?!  
  
Legato fell back to the floor in utter amazement, watching the delicious delicacies swirling around his head until they began to speak to him in squeaky, foodish voices, much to his delight.  
  
"Come dance with us, Legato!" they invited and lifted him up, taking him to a place far, far away where he could eat as much as he wanted. They joined hands and danced around him, singing, laughing, and he clapped his hands, joining in the merriment.  
  
Meanwhile, staring at him through the one-way glass Legato had mistaken as a mirror, Wolfwood, Midvalley, and Knives were silent, each trying to analyze his behavior.  
  
"I've heard," said Wolfwood in a pondering voice, "that a tiger's tongue is so strong it can lick paint off a wall."  
  
Midvalley chimed in seriously. "Five double dollars says Legato can lick that hot dog wall paper off that wall in less than an hour."  
  
"Deal."  
  
Knives only stared impassively at his servant, who was currently dancing around the room and singing, clapping his hands to the beat.  
  
Suffering, thy name is diet...  
  
~~~~~  
  
Well, what do you think?? Should I write another chapter??? Oh, and thanx Katrina Mama for your great ideas! They were awesome! I hope you like what I did.  
  
----Shangri-La 


	3. The Death of Mr Peppers

Hey, once again, thanks for the reviews, and once again once again (that is not a typo, I mean to put that twice *shrugs*), thanks to Katrina Mama - for the wonderful ideas. Half of this fic is inspiration from your ideas!! Wow, hope everyone likes this. Let me know.  
  
~~~~~  
  
After two hours, Knives had deemed it safe to enter into the containment cell, and Wolfwood and Midvalley, bickering and pushing, elbowed their way in and over to the wall, which Legato was sitting propped up against like a broken doll, eyes dull and glazed as he murmured a little song and chuckled every now and then.  
  
"We welcome you to hot dog land....hot dog land..."  
  
"Look, he obviously licked it off," argued Wolfwood, pointing to a hot dog on the wall paper, worn half away.  
  
"No way," objected Midvalley, smacking away his hand. "He had to lick the WHOLE thing off!"  
  
Knives scowled at their nonsensical argument. "Didn't you guys make the opposite bets? Wolfwood, you're the one who said he couldn't do it, and Midvalley, you said he could." He paused, making another attempt to bring Legato to his feet but only having him topple down again. "Ugh...this is the last time I get minions off the Internet."  
  
Midvalley and Wolfwood exchanged surprised glances.  
  
"Ha! He licked it off - you said so yourself!"  
  
"I was lyin'! It has to be completely gone - which it is not!"  
  
Knives, ignoring them, knelt down and placed his hands on Legato's shoulders to keep him standing, hoping that he would finally find some sort of balance and not fall to the floor in a trembling, drooling heap for the millionth time. "Alright, Legato," he said scoldingly. "Hope you've learned your lesson."  
  
Legato drew away incredulously, eyeing Knives with an air of superiority. "How dare you speak that way to the king of hot dogs!"  
  
Midvalley and Wolfwood, having had been grappling on the floor, stopped in surprise and gawked at the now insane servant.  
  
"How dare you talk to me like that!" exclaimed Knives, shocked at the disobedience. "I am your master!"  
  
"The hot dog king listens to no man!" And he pulled off his glove, smacking the said man across the face with it. With an arrogant sniff, he then turned and walked stiffly away.  
  
Knives' eyes watered at the pain coursing through his cheek. Terrified and in a great deal of confusion, he dropped to his knees, holding his face, and looked after Legato, screaming, "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! DID YOU REALLY JUST SMACK ME?!?! AUGH!!! THE PAIN!! THERE IS SO MUCH PAIN IN MY FACE!! DID YOU REALLY JUST SMACK ME?!?!?!  
  
"Yep," answered Legato, and strode out of the room.  
  
~~~~~  
  
That was the beginning mark of the Hot Dog Wars, as Midvalley dubbed them. Of course the gun-ho guns took great pleasure in watching these events, but never get involved, save Wolfwood, who recorded everything, and Midvalley, who provided the snacks. Then there was Dominique, who, donning a short, red dress lined with fur, fox ears and tail added as accessories, sang and danced during intermissions under the name 'Foxy'.  
  
Legato and Knives went back and forth endlessly for days, Knives bunkering down in his room and Legato living in the restaurant, his crown made of tin foil and his scepter a table leg. Hysterically, he fought off anyone who tried to enter in for food, and whenever Knives stepped within ten yards of the perimeter, he hurled cans of peaches at him. Perhaps the containment room had not been as perfect as Knives had first believed it to be...  
  
And then there came the breakthrough.  
  
Everyone watched in amazement as Knives marched down the hall, a wrapped parcel under his arm and a steel helmet snuggled protectively on his head. They whispered about his boldness, and sadly lamented that they were going to miss him - well, not really, but they at least said they'd pretend to miss him.  
  
Legato had erected his own throne by setting a chair on a table and adorning it with foil, colored plastic wrap, and hot dogs, and he was seated comfortably in it when Knives jumped in, and, prepared for what was to come, dove behind an overturned table, which was soon pelted by cans of tomato soup.  
  
"And I've got peaches," Legato warned in a threatening tone, "with HEAVY syrup!"  
  
Knives drew in a deep breath, hoping his secret weapon would be successful. Hands trembling, he untied the package, thrust it in the air, and waved it. Well, all was silent, and nothing potentially dangerous was hurtling his way. Cautiously, he peeked at Legato.  
  
The lanky, blue-haired man was staring whimsically at him, bestowing a loving gaze upon the object he held. Leaping down lightly, he skipped across the room and into threw his arms around Knives' shoulders, eyes teary and voice abnormally high-pitched as he squealed, "OH KNIVES!!! I didn't think you caaaaaared!"  
  
Knives squirmed away and jumped back, pointing at Knives and laughing coarsely. "HAHA!! You fool! I am not here to return this -" He shook the blue teddy bear, his hand gripping its neck " - I came here to torture you with it!"  
  
Legato sunk to the floor in despair, wailing, "MR. PEPPERS!!!!"  
  
Knives smiled evilly, then broke into more insane laughter. "YES!! Bow before your master, little hot dog king! You are nothing before me! Bow! BOW!!!"  
  
But Legato looked up, a spiteful gleam in his eyes. "NEVER!" he cried, and shot up before anyone could stop him, snatching away Mr. Peppers and turning to flee back to his throne. Once there, he tugged on a rope and Knives soon found himself being assaulted by a blizzard of hot dogs, and as he stumbled blindly toward Legato, he could hear maniacal laughter. It fueled him, pushing him on long enough to make it to the throne, where he and Legato tumbled to the ground, wrestling for the possession of the teddy bear. In the end, it was Knives who won out, and before Legato could stop him, he rushed to the stove, turned up the heat so that a flame of raging fire burst forth, and dangled Mr. Peppers precariously after it. "Say goodbye to MR. PEPPERS!"  
  
Legato reached out to stop the inevitable, but could only watch with widened eyes as the stuffed animal fell slowly through the air, gobbled up greedily by the fire. He cried out, clutching at his heart, and then as sure as Knives had shot him, crumpled to the ground. "I'm dying," he moaned, writhing on the floor. "You just ripped out my heart!!"  
  
Knives walked slowly over to the former hot dog king, kneeling down beside him. "Legato...?" He arched an eyebrow quizzically.  
  
Legato moaned pitifully, grasping at Knives' hand. "I can't...breathe," he gasped pathetically. "If only...Mr. Peppers were here..."  
  
"OH MY GOODNESS!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!" Knives gaped at Legato in sheer horror. "Legato! I'm sorry!"  
  
Legato's head rolled to the side, eyes drifting shut.  
  
Bowing over him, sick about what he had done and already missing his loyal servant terribly, Knives closed his eyes tightly and screamed, "LEGATO!!!!!"  
  
~~~~~~  
  
"So...how's he doing?" Knives had come to Legato's bedside bearing gifts, and Dominique, his nurse, frowned and shrugged.  
  
"Not so good. Keeps muttering about some dog staring at him and Mr. Peppers and cow tipping." She laid a sympathetic hand on Knives' shoulder. "I think we're just about to lose him."  
  
Knives dropped his head regretfully.  
  
"Why don't you go in and see him?" Dominique swung the door open and stepped aside, motioning for Knives to go on ahead.  
  
Knives trudged into Legato's bedroom, shivering at the eerie feeling he got from all the pictures and advertisements of food pasted onto the walls. "Legato?" he whispered sweetly, sidling up to the bed, where Legato lay, tucked under the covers, looking very pale and coughing weakly. "Can you hear me? I'm sorry I roasted Mr. Peppers... I brought you a present to make up for it."  
  
"Too late..." rasped Legato, throwing an arm across his eyes. "I'm slipping away..."  
  
"Look," coaxed Knives, ripping the paper off the present to reveal a purple teddy bear, almost identical to Mr. Peppers save the color. "His name is Mr. Snacky..."  
  
Legato cracked open his eyes to take in the item being presented to him and leapt ecstatically out of bed, hopping up and down with a bout of squeals as he grabbed the bear. "OOH!!! Thankee Knives! Everything is all BRIGHT AND SHINY AGAIN!! And now the little piggies can come back to my window and the drug store down the street will restock on pixie sticks and the trees will go baaa like sheep!!" He hugged the teddy tighter. "Oh, Mr. Snacky, let's go find that dog of mind!" And he skittered out of the room.  
  
Knives, a startled expression on his face, was instantly off, pursuing Legato. "Hey! You don't have a dog!"  
  
~~~~~  
  
I didn't even mean to write more than the first chapter of this story, so I don't know if I'll write another. I'm the sort of person who needs a nudge to get started, some inspiration. All you hafta do is ask and I'll write another *wink wink* If anyone has anything to say, let me know!! 


	4. Mr Snacky's Snacky Snacks

Thanx for the reviews!! Once again they have inspired me. LOL Thank you Gem-Sama, I did the Meryl thing like you suggested, only a little different... Katrina Mama....the story never would've gotten past the first chapter without you. Oh, and you're welcome for thanking you (that sounded weird). Thanx to everyone else who reviewed - I appreciate it!!  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Here doggy, doggy, doggy..." called Legato hopefully, whistling and clapping his hands. "Come on! Where are you hiding?"  
  
"I'm telling you, Legato, you don't have a dog!" Knives stood nearby with his hands on his hips, eyes narrowed at his servant's irrationality. Legato had been crawling around on the floor in search of a non-existent pet for hours now.  
  
"Mr. Snacky says that he'll come back eventually," Legato informed his master. The purple bear dangled from Legato's backpack, destined never to leave his side again. "Oh, and Mastah, I've been meaning to ask you...when is my diet over? Mr. Snacky says - "  
  
"You're diet is over when you are back to your lean, agile self - and when your mind returns from its vacation. And enough of what Mr. Snacky says before he ends up the same as Mr. Peppers."  
  
"Hmm..." Legato pouted, lower lip quivering. "Well...what can I eat?"  
  
"Anything without flavor. Now, I must check in on my brother and Wolfwood. Just keep looking for your...dog."  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Steam wisped from Wolfwood's coffee mug as he sighed gently, his breath stirring the heat of his drink. Another day with Vash the Stampede... The goofy, trench coat-clad outlaw was sitting across from him and munching happily on donuts, humming and singing the tune of 'Soundlife'. His peace was disrupted by Wolfwood coughing and choking violently, spitting out the hot, brown liquid he had been in the process of swallowing.  
  
"Something the matter?" Vash asked politely, cheeks stuffed with glazed pastries.  
  
"Look at this article!" Wolfwood weakly pushed the paper over towards Vash, his long, tan fingers trembling in disbelief.  
  
Vash looked at the picture on the front page and then let his eyes skim the article. "Legato is into the snack-making business, eh?" he asked in amusement. "Says here his company is called 'Snacky Snacks' and they pride themselves on their secret ingredients...which contain little or no calories. It's special diet food. Hmm. So that's how he is so skinny. Personally, I resort to my freakish plant metabolism to keep myself in shape."  
  
Wolfwood quirked an eyebrow and then muttered, "I wonder if Knives knows about this...."  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Knives had kept himself busy with setting up plans to cause his brother eternal pain and suffering, so he hadn't spent much time tending to Legato. However, the man became blatantly impossible to ignore when Knives came out to breakfast one morning and found all the gun-ho guns gathered around the table in their normal positions, carrying on their normal conversations, but one thing was different - they were standing.  
  
"What's going on here?" demanded the testy plant, who was not a morning person, by the way.  
  
Monev the Gale was the first one to turn to him and complain, "Legato took all the chairs, so none of us can sit anymore."  
  
Now this presented a problem. If there was one thing Knives hated, it was standing and eating at the same time. But poor Knives could not present a solution to the problem, so it just continued to run rapid, and while Legato was back in his secret liar, grinding up the chairs to put into Snacky Snacks as his secret ingredient, none of the poor gun-ho guns could sit! So they all just stood there...and stood...and stood.  
  
One day, Knives woke up and found that his home was strangely empty, so, in a panic, he ran through the halls and peeked into each room, screaming as many names as he could remember. "Wolfwood!!! Hornfreak!!! Domino or whatever!! Barney!!" Of course by Barney he was referring to Monev. Hey, they are both big, purple freaks! Anyone could get the two missed up.  
  
Once the initial fear of being left to his own devices subsided, Knives sat down and flipped on the TV, grumbling angrily when he saw that the only thing on were commercials. Wait... Not just any commercial, but a commercial for....Snacky Snacks???  
  
A techno version of 'Soundlife' began to play and none other than Vash, Knives' brother, hopped onto the screen in his trademark red trench coat. "What does the Humanoid Typhoon eat to keep this handsome and thin?" asked Vash in a bouncy little voice, that exasperating energy flooding Knives' already worn senses. "Why, Snacky Snacks of course! I'm always on the go, running from the law and bounty hunters and my brother and all, and these are easy, perfect and delicious!" Various scenes of Vash going through the said motions sailed across the screen, and then there was that dreaded bear...that Mr. Snacky - dancing and smiling in animated form. Knives nearly fell out of his chair.  
  
"That is MY bear!" he screamed to no one in particular.  
  
"Snacky Snacks," Vash said smiling, now holding a bag of the cookie-like products, "in three awesome flavors. Donut, pickle, and hot dog." His picture faded gradually as a woman's voice began to name all the side affects, speaking at such a rapid rate the words blurred. "Sideaffectsmayincludevomitingdiarrheanailbitingsexualsideaffectsskincancerc oloncancerheartattacklossofbreathdizzyspellsstomachacheheyisanyonereallyread ingthisorareyoujustskippingoveritcauseitisnotworththeeffortifyouarereadingth iskudostoyou."  
  
Knives took his chin in his hand, contemplating his situation with a ponderous expression. "That explains where Legato is, but where have all the other gun-ho guns gone?" he murmured.  
  
A new commercial came on, this time advertising a late night talk show. Knives watched in avid fascination as Dominique, wearing a slinky, black dress, walked down a red-carpeted aisle into a very fancy restaurant on the arm of none other than Legato, and in Legato's other hand dangled Mr. Snacky. The annoying guy talking over the scene was saying something about Legato being a success story on some show later that night, but Knives wasn't really paying attention, too busy watching in disbelief as Midvalley stepped onto screen, announcing himself as Legato's spokesperson. At his side was Legato's lawyer - Wolfwood.  
  
Now Knives was infuriated. He wasn't going to take this lying down - er, standing, actually, since Legato had taken all his chairs and such. Gritting his teeth, he resolved to do something. ~~~~~~  
  
Legato sat in his new, shiny office, twiddling his thumbs and waiting for the stage hand to come back and tell him it was time to prepare for his first live show, on which he would reveal information about his secret ingredient. Eventually, Monev did come and tell him it was time, and he stood up, Mr. Snacky in hand, and strode out quickly to the stage and before the applauding people, taking his seat opposite the host, who ironically happened to be Zazie.  
  
"Guess what, Legato," Zazie said, because he is an annoying little kid and annoying little kids love to play the 'guess what' game.  
  
Fortunately, so did Legato. "What?" he asked enthusiastically.  
  
"Umm...I forgot." Monev ran out and whispered in Zazie's ear. "Oh yeah! We have a special guest for you! Everyone, give a big round of applause for my ex-boss, Millions Knives!"  
  
Legato paled.  
  
The audience was completely silent save for one hollering idiot in the crowd as Knives walked on stage, and eventually even that guy shut up when the two insurance girls that accompanied him pulled him back into his seat. Knives took his seat, and, smiling evilly, looked over at Legato with a glint to his eyes.  
  
"And it seems Knives brought a friend," announced Zazie with a sickeningly sweet grin. "What's his name?"  
  
"Timmy," supplied Knives, speaking of the ventriloquist dummy that sat on his knee. Hey, everyone needs a hobby.  
  
Well, let me tell you, things did not go so well from there. Once it was announced that Legato used chairs as his secret ingredient to his snacks, Knives jumped out of his seat, declared that they had once been HIS chairs, and that he demanded some of the profit since he was paying for the ingredients. Legato was appalled by the idea and so was Mr. Snacky, or so Legato said, but Knives had been awaiting for Mr. Snacky to speak up, and he instantly launched into his ventriloquist act with Timmy, who, ironically, looked a lot like Knives himself. Go figure.  
  
"It's not very nice to take someone's chairs and grind them up for people all around the world to eat," intoned Timmy in a freakishly high-pitched voice.  
  
"Oh yeah? Well, Mr. Snacky says that it was only fair to get back at a certain Mastah who made me go on a diet."  
  
"This is still about the diet?"  
  
Zazie perked up. "You're on a diet, Legato?"  
  
Legato blushed redder than an overcooked hot dog. "So? Knives uses a pink night light!"  
  
Everyone in the crowd gasped.  
  
To draw everyone else's attention away from him, Knives then decided to unveil his own snack, tossing out free samples into the crowd and having them hurled back at him. Furious, he turned to Legato and screamed, "I hope you're happy!"  
  
Legato shrugged, but shrieked girlishly when Knives snatched away poor Mr. Snacky and tossed him deep into the crowd. So, the only reasonable thing left to do was dive in after the bear, and Legato did so, only to land face first on the floor and nearly crack his head open. Fortunately, he was only unconscious for a few seconds. When he did awake, however, the first thing he saw was the face of an angel. An angel who was screaming in horror and kicking at him, trying to get him away. And look! At the same time she was shouting commands to Vash and Millie, which meant one thing - she could multi-task. In his deluded mind, Legato fell in love.  
  
Meryl held onto Mr. Snacky for all she was worth when Legato dizzily rose to his feet, scowling at him and preparing to announce that the bear was now up for ransom. But what happened next was something she wasn't expecting.  
  
"I love you," Legato announced in a heartfelt manner.  
  
There was only one thing to do. Meryl turned tail and ran. What a stupid girl.  
  
For weeks after that, Legato left disturbing messages on her answering machine, screaming things such as, "MERYL!! WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME?!?!?! YOU COULD BE MY QUEEN OF EVIL AND DARKNESS!!! MEEEEEEERRRRRRRYYYYYLLLL!!!"  
  
As for Snacky Snacks, it started to go down hill when everyone realized they were eating chairs. Legato's glamorous life fell apart as all the gun-ho guns returned to Knives and he spent all his money paying ransom for Mr. Snacky, and even then Meryl wouldn't love him. After the longest three weeks of his life, Legato decided to return to Knives.  
  
Knives welcomed him with a gloating smirk. "So, you decided to come back?" he taunted. "Well, I'll show you what happens when you go and betray me for a teddy bear. You're on a stricter diet, Legato! And I am going to be watching every SINGLE thing you put in your mouth!"  
  
Sadly, Legato turned away and quietly wept into his sleeve. 


	5. Knives Meets Meryl

Wow, another chapter! No one is more amazed than me. Yes, Pyrosprite64, this thing is, sadly enough, developing a plot!! Thanks to Legato and Katrina Mama for giving me some good ideas in your reviews (sorry, I was just too tired from having the flu to work in the bubbles thing - maybe next chapter) and thanx to everyone else who read --- keep reviewing!!!  
  
~~~~~~  
  
"Midvalley, how many times do I have to tell you? Don't put your pink shirt in with my white coat! Now look what you've done! It's all...pinkish..." Legato grimaced at Hornfreak, holding out his once pristine white coat and sighing hopelessly as his golden eyes adjusted to the new pink tone. "I have to get a new one now. Again."  
  
"Legato, that thing really isn't machine washable," complained the saxophone player in return, sporting the object of Legato's troubles and fingering the tears in the sleeve. "The metal spikes on the shoulder rip up anything that you put in with it."  
  
"That's why I have them. They're supposed to ensure no one else puts their clothes in with it and accidentally die it another color."  
  
"So that's what they're for?" Wolfwood had now chimed in. "I always thought that maybe you had them up there like a sort of weather vane or something."  
  
Ah, once again, it was gun-ho gun laundry day, and the various members had collected down in the recesses of Knives' lair to perform a badly needed ceremony - washing their clothes. As usual, Midvalley had confused everyone else's load with his and Legato was complaining about the color changes in his wardrobe while Wolfwood watched idly on.  
  
Knives always oversaw all that went on until boredom overcame him and he resorted to taking just a short catnap. This time was no exception, and although he had vowed to watch Legato with specific care, he figured that there was nothing within arm's length that he could eat, and, therefore, there was no harm in just resting his eyes for a while...  
  
"Hey, looks like Knives is taking his nap, just on schedule," murmured Midvalley in a low tone. "Say....Wolfwood...now would be a good time to do that thing we talked about..."  
  
"What thing?" queried Legato in amusement. He didn't remember hearing about any 'thing'.  
  
Wolfwood started to squirm nervously under that golden-eyed gaze. "Er...nothing, Legato." And he and Midvalley were out of sight in seconds.  
  
So, left to his own devices, Legato sulked as he washed. His stomach was rumbling, and without the bickering of his companions to drown it out, he found he was even more hungry than usual. "A little too much," he murmured, coughing on the powdered soap that rose in a pink cloud from his recent attempt at laundry. "Blah..." he made a face, wheezing as he breathed some in. "It tastes... Hmm...kinda like....strawberry?" He checked the box. "Strawberry scented soap. Hey - it tastes like strawberry even more than it smells like it!"  
  
Knives snorted gently in his sleep.  
  
Alarmed and feeling a bit guilty, Legato immediately cowered in the corner, shivering with the fear that his new favorite snack might be taken away. Shoveling a handful of it into his mouth, he pulled Mr. Snacky closer and glanced furtively at his still sleeping master.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Vash seemed slightly annoyed when Meryl replayed all of Legato's messages back, not at all as amused as she had expected him to be. In fact, she was even surprised to find him clenching his jaw angrily at the seventh marriage proposal. Then again, having him seem a little jealous did brighten her day a bit...  
  
"That Mr. Legato really seems to like you, Meryl," chimed in Millie, who was standing nearby, beaming in her forever cheerful manner. "Aww...he wants you to be his queen of evil and darkness. Isn't that cute?"  
  
"I don't think any of this is very cute," grumbled Vash. "I think I should go talk to Knives about this or something..."  
  
Meryl scowled at him. "Since when do you care?"  
  
"Since....uh...hmm....." He blushed furiously and turned to march out the door. Fuming over Legato, over Legato's boldness and stupidity, over Knives' entire plot to destroy the human race, he walked on and on to where his brother resided. In fact, by the time he got there and located an annoying little boy who pointed him to where Knives was in the washing room, he had worked himself up into such a fury that he was even finding himself angry about the fact that donuts had holes in the middle. He didn't want a hollow middle! He wanted the WHOLE thing! Why should he pay more for less? For something that was missing its center?!  
  
"Knives!" he barked, startling his twin awake.  
  
The other man sat up quickly in the pile of dirty clothes, looking this way and that in shock until he spotted Vash no more than two yards away. "What are you doing here? Finally come to your senses, brother?"  
  
"No, I've come to tell you to call off that psycho of yours. He won't leave Meryl alone. He thinks he loves her."  
  
"Legato? Loving a spider? I thought he was different..." Knives frowned in disappointment. "Wait a second...did you see Legato on your way in?"  
  
"No."  
  
"He should be here." Even as he was speaking, Knives' eyes fell upon the empty soap box in the corner and he groaned. "Oh great... I leave him alone for five seconds and he eats the first thing he can get his hands. I won't be surprise if I'm missing a few pairs of socks tomorrow."  
  
"Do you think he went to go get Meryl?" inquired Vash nervously.  
  
"Hey, why not? Soap does strange things to one's mind. Remember that one time Rem washed your mouth out with soap because you told her to -"  
  
"Hey!" Vash waved his hands sheepishly. "No need to bring up the past like that!"  
  
"Funny to hear that coming from you."  
  
Vash scratched his head sheepishly. "Well..."  
  
"Listen, Vash, I know you'll be crawling back to that spider of yours soon, so would you do me a favor and retrieve Legato while you're there? Just drop him off at the door or something." Knives yawned and settled back into the pile of clothes again. "Thanks."  
  
Vash couldn't believe the way his brother just drifted off like that! Didn't he care at all?! Well, considering it was Knives, it shouldn't have come as such a shock. Vash decided it was time to buckle down and make his brother get involved.  
  
"Knives," he declared, "I think you should be the one to pick up Legato. I'll stay here and watch over your house while you go get him. He's your servant, your problem, and since you think you're so high and mighty, why don't YOU try to face down an angry insurance woman with a lunatic at her door!"  
  
Knives could only blink in rapid surprise.  
  
~~~~~  
  
So...there he was. Standing at the human's door. Wiping a spot on the door off with a handkerchief to sanitize the area, gingerly knocking upon the wood which had touched so many other human's hands. He shuddered at that thought and quickly sprayed some antibacterial gel on his hand.  
  
A very angry looking female opened the door, balking at the sight of him. "What do you want?" she demanded, glaring at him.  
  
He raised an eyebrow. How could Legato be attracted to such an incredibly horrid creature...? "I believe Legato is to be found somewhere around here," Knives explained in his haughty way that only he could master. "I'd like him back now."  
  
"He's not here."  
  
"Just let me step inside and see for myself if he really -" Knives stopped in mid-sentence when the door slammed in his face, nearly catching his toes in its tremendous swing. He jumped back with a gasp. "How dare that little..."  
  
Off to the left, something blue caught his eye.  
  
Slinking up to the window, Knives rose onto his tiptoes and peered into the window, growling at the sight before him. Legato was in Meryl's kitchen, rummaging through the refrigerator, and violating his diet with a hungry passion. "Worthless spider!" he growled, tapping with restrained anger on the window.  
  
Legato's head turned slightly at the noise, and Knives held some satisfaction at seeing how he almost choked on his turkey drumstick when he saw his master's furious face pressed against the glass.  
  
"You better get out here now!" mouthed Knives, and he saw how the psychopath shook his head violently in protest. Then, apparently hearing Meryl coming, Legato scurried out of sight and down a flight of stairs that Knives' assumed led to the basement.  
  
"So she doesn't know he's there..." murmured Knives thoughtfully. "There's gotta be something I can do about this..."  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Meanwhile, back at Knives' fortress, Vash was wandering around and trying to see what his brother did that kept him so wrapped up in his evil plans. Everyone seemed to be avoiding him, unsure of what he was doing there and how they should treat him. "I thought my brother would at least have evil minions," he complained, and a bit loudly at that.  
  
Wolfwood, who was in Knives' bedroom with Midvalley, lifted his head at the familiar voice. "What the heck is tongari doing here?" he demanded, stuffing the last of Knives' clothes back into the drawer. "Darn it! He can't see me here! It'll ruin the whole plan! Come on, Midvalley, in the closet!"  
  
"Hold on a moment!" protested the jazz musician, feet skidding against the floorboards as the priest pushed him into the confining space and slammed the door shut.  
  
Vash sauntered into his brother's bedroom and determined what it was correctly. Curiously, he began to poke around, glancing under the bed, at the objects strewn across the room, and even opening the drawers to the dresser. "Everything's pink..." he observed with amusement, sifting through his brother's wardrobe.  
  
In the closet, Midvalley snickered.  
  
Wolfwood elbowed him.  
  
Vash soon lost interest in the contents of his twin's room and moved on, allowing the two men in hiding to stumble out.  
  
"Well, that reaction wasn't as funny as I'd hoped," remarked Wolfwood, brushing some dust off his sleeve.  
  
"You know Knives. He'll throw more of a fit. And just think about when he actually has to wear the stuff. Eh? Eh? That'll be funny!"  
  
Nodding his agreement, Wolfwood accompanied Midvalley out of the room, chuckling and shoving his partner in crime.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
As always, reviews and ideas are welcome... 


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